Every Moment is a Resolution

I’m not a winter person. By any means. Never have been and never will be. But, boy do I love this time of year solely because December always holds such magic and power. Sure, it can be somewhat chaotic as we prepare for holiday gatherings and wrap up loose ends before the new year, but you have to admit, the air is charged with this intoxicating energy. Everyone’s looking toward the future and making resolutions; deciding how they want to show up in 2018. The coming new year is so shiny and pristine, completely untarnished and packaged with endless possibilities. Regardless of what happened during the past year, you’re now given a brand new, fresh year. It’s a great time to reflect, focus and center yourself before the coming year. While I love this time of year and am giddy with anticipation for what 2018 might bring, I just want to reiterate that you can have this restart sensation at any time.

We’ve all been there – we begin January feeling extra empowered and ready to make this THE year! This is the year that everything we’ve ever envisioned will happen and it will be stupendous! We all charge into the year determined to uphold every resolution! And maybe we’ll even find the cure for the common cold while we’re at it! Who knows! We’re unstoppable and ready to take on the year!

But inevitably, our superpower energy starts to wane. We might fall off the proverbial wagon. Maybe other unforeseen and uncontrollable circumstances come into effect. Or the life we envision for ourselves may require more patience and perseverance than initially anticipated. Whatever the case may be, the superpower energy that launched the new year dissipates and it becomes a struggle to find more.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret: Despite the societal emphasis that this power to restart occurs only once per year, remember that within every single moment YOU have the opportunity to redirect and reset as you need or desire. Yep. YOU. You have to ability to change course or get back on course whenever you like. It’s all you, my friend.

Allow yourself to feel this invigorating charge of the coming year and let it propel you into the new year, but remember to carry this unstoppable energy through to every single minute of 2018. The seasons will change and before we know it 2018 will be well underway. Understand that not only are you able to carry this energy with you constantly, but you are able to create this “new year sensation” for yourself any time. You have everything you need within you to have the most fantastic year and can recreate the energy you have at the cusp of 2018 for yourself every moment. You simply have to recognize this ability within yourself and pledge to recommit to your new year intentions multiple times throughout the year. Heck, sometimes you’ll have to recommit multiple times throughout the day. And trust me, that is A-OK.

I like to write (obviously) and I write down everything and anything I want to bring into my life. I tend to write the most at the end and beginning of the year as I evaluate my past year and define how I want to show up in the coming year. As I wrote out my vision and resolutions for 2018 I wrote this reminder for myself:

Resolution Quote

This mantra allows me to forgive myself when I don’t feel like things are working out. This mantra gives me an energy boost when I feel my drive begin to slow. This mantra reminds me to listen to myself and determine my next best move to keep moving forward and continue creating the best life for myself.

If this helps you, feel free to borrow it. Print it out and place it somewhere you’ll see it whenever you may need the reminder. Or use this as a starting point – modify it, make it your own. Write whatever suits you to remind yourself it doesn’t need to be January 1 for you to kick start your life.

Be good to yourself & cheers to the most magical 2018!

A Year in Review

Well, I have now officially exceeded my quarter-century mark. Ideally, I would have published this on my birthday, but life was moving just too fast at the time to make that possible. Hence the year in review post a month after the fact. Better late than never!

What a pivotal age 25 was for me. Filled with innumerable insights, opportunities and breakthroughs, it was truly a year I will never forget. It was a year that challenged me and changed me in the best ways. It was the year I decided to take charge and take total ownership of my life. A brief recap for those who are new to my blog (welcome! Thanks for stopping by!) and a refresh for those who’ve been with me from the beginning (thank you! I appreciate you so very much.): the day before my 25th birthday I left my full-time job at a performing arts center to focus my efforts on making my dream of becoming an actor & model a reality. I left steady employment in pursuit of an essentially unknown future. I had no idea where this change would take me and whether it would yield great success or total failure. But I had to give myself the chance, and that became the driving force behind my decision. I envisioned a different life for myself and I decided to march confidently in the direction of my dreams. (If you’re interested in reading the post that started it all, click here)

Now, one year later, I’m sitting in a completely different place (quite literally actually…more on that later) taking in the past year. All the ups and downs, the unknowns that became knowns and the new experiences which led me to where I am today. I believe reflection is important, so let’s review, shall we?

One year ago, I sent out my headshot and resume to countless agencies hoping and praying that one would represent me. The night before my last day of work, one agent decided to rep me (just in the nick of time!). Now I have three lovely agents vouching for me across a variety of areas within the entertainment industry. They work incredibly hard and I’m so grateful for all their efforts.

One year ago, I’d never been booked for a photoshoot and my modeling experience was extremely limited (read: I’d never modeled before. Ever. Never even took a class.). Now my photo has been spotted (#SpotTheRedhead) on products in Target and Buy Buy Baby and I have had the privilege of working with a number of outstanding clients. I’m grateful that I have the ability to say that photoshoots are a regular occurrence for me and my comfort posing in front of the camera has grown exponentially over the past year.

One year ago, I never knew that tradeshow modeling existed, let alone had its own place in the entertainment industry (there are models who do this full time. Interesting, huh?). Now I’m well versed in tradeshows, am affiliated with an agency that represents me solely for tradeshows, and have been fortunate enough to work at five tradeshows over the past year.

One year ago, the farthest I’d traveled for a gig or audition was only to a neighboring town. Now I have the experience of modeling at a tradeshow in Los Angeles. The first time I’d traveled out of state for a gig, which was one of my goals for 2017!

One year ago, I was wondering if I’d ever get back on stage. At the time it had been nearly three years since my last, live theatrical performance. My job placed me behind the scenes as stage manager for their youth theatre productions and although I was still involved in theatre, my performance skills became rusty. I was missing performing more than I can possibly convey. Thankfully earlier this year a director took a chance on me and cast me in a hilarious and incredibly fun show with one of the best casts around. The experience is one I will treasure forever.

One year ago, I was living in my parents’ house. My parents’ graciousness made this career change possible. Of course I wanted my own space, and my parents wanted their own space, but allowing me to stay there rent free offered me a chance to save my precious pennies and provided me with the opportunity to leap when I was ready and when the perfect apartment became available. Now I’m writing this post in my very own, charming vintage studio apartment. Funny story about this, at the beginning of the year, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to move into an apartment of my own by June. I began searching in January and by April I was tired of constantly refreshing Zillow, Craigslist and two Facebook housing groups to no avail. It simply seemed that what I wanted wasn’t available and wouldn’t be available for quite some time. So I stopped searching and mentally adjusted my goal to say I would move in September. However, in a flurry of events, the perfect apartment found me just before June 1, following the resolution I wrote at the beginning of the year. Isn’t the power in writing things down fascinating?

Perhaps most important to note, over the past year I’ve had the pleasure of connecting with so many wonderful, kind and generous people who support me and inspire me in countless ways. I’ve built new bridges and strengthened existing bridges and continue to be filled with immense gratitude for those around me. Truthfully this past year would not have been possible without the encouragement from my family and friends. I’m surely the luckiest gal around to be surrounded by so many spectacular souls and I marvel at how the people I know and have met shaped my life this past year.

This is not intended to be a post where I flaunt my achievements of the past year. This self-reflection is intended to demonstrate the difference one year makes. It’s a small difference, and it’s nowhere near my end goal, but I am farther than I was before. A year ago I stared a daunting, seemingly impossible task in the face and somehow mustered up the energy to attempt to conquer it, one day at a time. Every single day built upon the last, propelling me forward. Even on the days where I felt stuck and hopeless I urged myself to look back at what I have achieved and reminded myself of one of my favorite quotes,

Screen Shot 2017-07-05 at 10.51.34 PM.png

I will continue to reach farther, to build upon what I started a year ago, what I’ve been building upon my whole life. I’m still giving myself this chance, still chasing the dream, but I’m celebrating the fact that I’m gaining ground. Slowly but surely, I’m gaining ground, which may be one of the most powerful motivators around.

Even though I’m technically beyond a quarter century now, I still want this blog to be a part of my journey. This outlet holds its own special role in my quest and I admit there were plenty of times where this blog helped me maintain my sanity. Therefore, allow me to introduce you to “Quarter Century & Beyond,” a revised title to this blog so I may continue to chronicle this marvelous adventure as I add to the foundation I spent the past year establishing.

As I set out on another year of reaching farther and aiming higher, allow me to remind you, dear reader, that if you’re not quite where you want to be, trust me, you’re farther than you think. You’re farther than you were a year ago, a month ago, a week ago, even one hour ago. You have no idea how close you may be to your next breakthrough, your next great milestone. The important part is just to keep going. You did not come this far to only come this far. Stay true the course and trust the process while holding your vision front and center. Keep reaching beyond and you’ll make it.

Let the Universe Do Its Thing

As many of you know I frequently work as a background actor for many of the television shows filmed in Chicago. (Fun fact, production is pretty adamant on abandoning the term “extra” and using “background actor” or “background artist.” Pretty cool, huh? #TheMoreYouKnow).

Anyway, I was on set the other day for a rather long, extensive scene, which we worked for about 16 hours. This was one of my first gigs for 2017 and although I started the new year with tremendous vigor, feeling totally empowered, somehow my enthusiasm for the year ahead began to dwindle and it ironically happened to occur while I was on set.

I was waiting while crew set up for a shot and just letting my thoughts wander and much to my chagrin, they went to a dark place. I started to feel hopeless and somewhat pathetic thinking about the future of my career. I ended 2016 on a great note with some exciting prospects for 2017, but since the new year, everything’s taken its time getting started, which results in a lot of frustration and anxiety on my end. I watched the stars of this show who were physically so close to me yet their status & success so far from me and just felt like I was hit with a brick. What am I doing? What am I thinking? I must be insane to think I can get from here, working in background, auditioning with hundreds if not thousands of other hopefuls, doing small photo shoots here and there and think that I can get THERE, to the entertainment promised land. I felt stuck. I felt daunted and afraid by my dreams and doubt crept in. And once I started on that line of thought I couldn’t stop. I began to panic. To the cast and crew I probably looked cool, calm and collected but on the inside my heart was pounding and my pulse racing as I allowed myself to ponder statistically my chances of making this a viable career. I’m an optimist through and through and thus felt surprised to be feeling such dismay.

I’m standing there, silently imploding and a crew head walks over to me out of the blue and says, “Hello!”

Now for anyone who does background, you know you essentially don’t exist. You’re a set piece helping create the tone and atmosphere for the production. And you also know you cannot speak with any crew or cast member unless they initiate a conversation. So imagine my surprise when this department head (I’m being vague with titles just in case) approached me on set.

Upon his greeting I instantly snapped out of my mental, downward spiral. We small talked for a bit but then he launched into a story about how his career started.

“I’ve been working in production for a while. But for years many of the shows I worked on failed. I don’t know why, hopefully it wasn’t my presence, but they failed. And one day I found myself without anything lined up. I began calling show after show asking for a job. No one had anything. I spent days, weeks searching and pleading and had nothing. I reached out to this show for the pilot and they rejected me. So I just let it go for a bit and then production called me back and asked me to join their crew. And now I’m coming up on four years with this show.

“I was grateful for the job, as anyone would be, although when they called me it was for a low man on the totem pole kind of job. I was a dolly grip, so I just pushed the camera where it needed to go. And again I tried to promote myself. I asked for more responsibility, and told production I wanted to move up, that I could do more. Again, no positive response. So finally I said. ‘Ok. You know what. I’m here as a dolly grip. That’s it. But I’m going to be the best damn dolly grip this production has ever seen.’ And then, boom. They had an opening for a head position and they offered it to me.

“So it’s a tough grind sometimes. You have to put your whole body and heart into the work. Be persistent, stay dedicated and have patience. And sometimes you just have to step back and let the universe do its thing.”

By the time he finished his story, crew was set up and we were ready to continue filming. So he said his farewell and headed back to work. But the spontaneity of this conversation and the message behind it left me stunned and chilled long after it ended. Hearing this man’s story of perseverance and passion was exactly what I needed in that moment. This man doesn’t know anything about me; not my name, nor that I’m an aspiring actor. (Although I’m sure the crew assume most background actors are somewhat affiliated with the arts.) He shared his story on a total whim completely unprovoked by me. But I’m forever grateful that he did.

This whole exchange reminds me of author Neil Gaiman’s commencement speech from 2012 in which he mentions how beginning a career is often like sending out messages in a bottle and hoping someone will find your message and write back. While it might be easier to blame the other party for not picking your bottle, it’s the repetition that leads to successfully having a message received. Sheer grit and focus even when nothing comes drifting back, and above all trusting that eventually something will come from your effort. Acknowledge that you must do everything in your power to make it happen and never relent on that commitment. But also acknowledge that timing plays a role as well, and while it may sound cheesy to say, one must allow the universe time to respond. Learn to trust that your bottle will be picked at the exact moment it’s meant to.

This bout of radio silence leads most people to falter and compromise. Based on my observations, many reach this point and consider it the end. Consider it a failed attempt at making something happen, despite having come so far. On the contrary, I believe it is the beginning. As Eric Thomas says, “You must outlast your old you long enough to get to your new you.” This is that moment. And this experience affirmed that truth for me…especially since within the twenty-four hours following this conversation I got an audition and a booking. (Eerie, right?)

So wherever you are, whatever you’re striving toward, if you’re feeling panicked, stuck and hopeless, don’t give up on yourself. Just breathe. Trust yourself and your abilities. Keep grinding and let the universe do its thing.

Pursuing the Dream: What They Don’t Tell You [Part 1]

As I alluded in my first post, this transition hasn’t been solely an array of sunshine and butterflies. For all the ups there are inevitable downs, and my story is no different. Every moment of exhilarating empowerment comes with it a moment of doubt, fear, or frustration. There weren’t many concrete details when I embarked on this journey except that I was doing it, it would be an adventure and that it was going to be a steep learning curve. With that latter part in mind I have a feeling there will be more posts similar to the theme of this one, hence the presumptive addition of “Part 1” to my title. However, nearly two months into my quarter-century mark, here’s what I’ve gathered thus far about what they don’t tell you when you decide to take full ownership of your life…

You are ultimately alone. After the high of taking the leap diminishes and the congratulations and well wishes quiet, you are ultimately alone; left with yourself and your dream. Although I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful support system and am definitely not lonesome, I acknowledge this venture is entirely self-driven. Despite having connections or representation I cannot rely solely on others to make my dream a reality. My dream is not their dream and vice versa, thus our ultimate motivations differ. Outside connections are valuable resources, but it’s up to myself, the boss, to decide how to cultivate those resources. As I assert myself as my own boss I am completely responsible for steering myself toward success. That offers a lot of freedom, but also a lot of ambiguity and stress as I craft my day-to-day goals to achieve my overarching goal. I’m learning to become protective of my time. I have to identify and set my priorities. I have to achieve balance within my days, between work time and free time. I drafted my very own work schedule, with non-negotiable work times to ensure I am constantly building my career, and I mentioned this schedule to my friends and family to enforce boundaries during my workdays. I leave gaps within my schedule to allow free time or break time to prevent me from obsessing over my career and guarantee I give myself the necessary time to relax. Pursuing a passion is addicting and exhilarating but can potentially burn you out if you let it consume you. I am simultaneously responsible for pushing myself while also recognizing when I need time to recharge. Establishing and following my own schedule requires an extraordinary amount of self-discipline and it is difficult and exhausting to personally set a professional rhythm.

You are forced to be extremely honest with yourself and your habits. Where are you devoting your time? What are your professional struggles? Where do you excel? Who and what make up your surroundings? How do you react to the ups and downs? How do you talk to yourself? Are you making excuses for yourself? Self-awareness is essential for me in my career, but also for anyone’s venture through life. You must know how you operate. This self-acknowledgment instills a great, indisputable strength that helps you advocate for yourself, both professionally and personally. It provides insight to how you measure your success. Once you know yourself, you can trust yourself.

I discover more about myself as I am tested daily to stay encouraged in a field with thousands of hopefuls just like me. I’m assessing my life and my surroundings with an honest perspective, noticing what’s working and what’s not. I’m taking note of any negative perspectives I possess and try to make them positive. I’m refining what influences me, disconnecting from people, places and tendencies that don’t leave a positive mark on my life. Making those honest realizations becomes quite challenging, especially when longevity becomes a factor. However, understanding that I have the power to decide what influences my life and how is amazing.

Be prepared to network anywhere. I now understand the necessity of self-promotion and recognize promoting myself as a business is a full-time job. And when I say networking can happen anywhere, I mean ANYWHERE. In your front yard, at the grocery store, in a public restroom, in the club, at the train station, just about anywhere you encounter people lies an opportunity to connect. And yes, I’ve made connections in all those aforementioned areas plus more. Be ready and be prepared to network at any time. I heard this advice once before but remember thinking “Surely they don’t mean ALL the time.” They do. Potential connections are everywhere. For instance, by simply updating people at church about my life, I learned a member of the congregation babysat Cindy Crawford and still remains a family friend. At a recent wedding I attended I told a guest I was pursuing acting/modeling and he told me about his work as a crew member for “Empire.” You never know when you’ll make a connection with someone who might be able to offer advice or a lead for you. Now I bring my business cards with me everywhere!

Your phone will drive you crazy. When I began this career change, I had no idea my phone would affect me as drastically as it does. This small, rectangular electronic device determines so much of my day and I despise my newly formed addiction to it. Full disclosure: in the writing of this post alone I have tapped my phone and refreshed my email after every 3-4 minutes. Disgusting, I know. There are days where it doesn’t stop buzzing and there are days where it remains fully charged at 100% because nothing comes through for me. I could spend hours emailing and submitting for auditions or photo shoots and not hear a peep from my phone in return. I keep it close to me at all times in anticipation of a phone call or email for a project but there are also times where I try to trick the universe and separate myself from my phone in the hopes that a project will come through while I’m nowhere near my phone. After all, a watched phone never rings, right?

The ever looming financial fear factor. Despite my low, monthly expenses I can count more money-centered freak-outs in the last month than in the last year. Any artist will tell you the difficulty of making ends meet so I anticipated this to an extent. I’m constantly rotating between being an employed and unemployed actor/model; employed when I’m booked for a project until completing said project and finding myself technically unemployed. When I was out on my first few projects or auditions, instead of enjoying the opportunity to do what I love, I found myself mentally crunching numbers of how long one job could tide me over. That’s not what I want my career to be about and not only does it make me grouchy, but it also inhibits my ability to perform. A wise mentor of mine urges me to stop focusing on the money, “Follow your passion and the money will follow.” Definitely easier said than done, but he highlights the power of mentality. If you don’t make money a concern, it won’t be. Invest in what ignites you and the money will figure itself out, somehow it always does. Our society aligns success with a dollar sign. I’m learning success is relative. It’s personal and while you need enough cash to get by, I realize I don’t need a six-figure paycheck to measure my success. I’m tired of finances ruling my life. Going forward, I’m restructuring my mentality to focus on the art within each project and how each project provides me with a sense of fulfillment and purpose, the best payment I could ask for.

Taxes are more confusing than before. This I did not expect nor think about until I booked my first gig. With normal jobs, portions of your checks are automatically withdrawn and once a year you get all your materials in the mail and file accordingly. I currently have money coming in from multiple sources, from gigs booked by my agent, from gigs I book myself, from an encyclopedia I’m writing for, and proofreading work. All those paychecks come directly to me without taxes withheld. (Please, no one report me. I’m figuring it out, I promise.) Furthermore, I am tracking all work-related expenses, such as mileage to and from auditions or any wardrobe purchases I need to make. I was always told of the difficulty of making money within the arts, but never instructed about what to do with it when it actually started appearing, as far as taxes are concerned. Do I file quarterly now? Or can I still file annually? Can I do that with TurboTax or do I need an accountant? I have yet to find a good guide for this portion of my career and it’s proving to be one of the more frustrating parts of this transition. (If there’s an accountant out there reading this, can you lend me some advice? Please and thank you.)

Self-doubt is persistent and powerful. No matter how confident, driven or self-aware I become self-doubt never leaves completely. It searches relentlessly for any crack in my foundation and seeps in the instant I entertain it. It’s less prevalent than before, I’m proud to say, but I know it will always exist in varying degrees. As an actor/model I’m no stranger to rejection and criticism; that’s part of the industry. You’re told that day one. From these past two months alone, my skin is thicker thanks to a whole new slew of criticisms. Most recently, I met with a director about modeling for a jewelry catalog’s upcoming collection. She was eager to add in a red-haired model and thought my look would be a great fit. When I met with her in person she kept looking at my arms and eventually expressed her concern about my freckles, afraid they would be too distracting for the shoot or create too much work for the editor to eliminate. Needless to say I didn’t get the gig. I left her office shocked. I love my freckles and always considered them an asset and never thought they would hinder my career. I ruminated over that director’s comment much longer than I should have thinking, “Are there other traits of mine that I love that will hold me back?” With that thought, I created a small fissure in my confident foundation. (Remember what I said earlier about knowing yourself and your habits? Allowing scenarios like this to replay in my mind tends to be one of mine.) I foolishly allowed one woman’s opinion take root in my mind and affect how I viewed myself.

There are times I feel terrified by the path I’ve chosen; afraid I won’t succeed, afraid I won’t be enough, doubtful of my own abilities. To combat this tendency of self-doubt is a lifelong mission and requires a strong, positive mentality. I tackle it by envisioning myself in two different settings. First I imagine what my life would be like pursuing an alternative career path, as a teacher, writer, director, anything. I can create the picture but it’s fuzzy and doesn’t feel quite right. I then envision myself acting or modeling, creating an image that comes effortlessly and vividly, electrifying me. That distinction and recognition assures me that despite every fear or criticism that causes me to doubt myself, pursuing this path is the right choice for me. Regardless of any hiccups or frustrations in my plan thus far, I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. I have the privilege of chasing my dreams and I know any struggles and learning curves I face only place me one step closer to success.

With all that in mind, it’s onwards & upwards! Stay tuned for Part 2!