Every Moment is a Resolution

I’m not a winter person. By any means. Never have been and never will be. But, boy do I love this time of year solely because December always holds such magic and power. Sure, it can be somewhat chaotic as we prepare for holiday gatherings and wrap up loose ends before the new year, but you have to admit, the air is charged with this intoxicating energy. Everyone’s looking toward the future and making resolutions; deciding how they want to show up in 2018. The coming new year is so shiny and pristine, completely untarnished and packaged with endless possibilities. Regardless of what happened during the past year, you’re now given a brand new, fresh year. It’s a great time to reflect, focus and center yourself before the coming year. While I love this time of year and am giddy with anticipation for what 2018 might bring, I just want to reiterate that you can have this restart sensation at any time.

We’ve all been there – we begin January feeling extra empowered and ready to make this THE year! This is the year that everything we’ve ever envisioned will happen and it will be stupendous! We all charge into the year determined to uphold every resolution! And maybe we’ll even find the cure for the common cold while we’re at it! Who knows! We’re unstoppable and ready to take on the year!

But inevitably, our superpower energy starts to wane. We might fall off the proverbial wagon. Maybe other unforeseen and uncontrollable circumstances come into effect. Or the life we envision for ourselves may require more patience and perseverance than initially anticipated. Whatever the case may be, the superpower energy that launched the new year dissipates and it becomes a struggle to find more.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret: Despite the societal emphasis that this power to restart occurs only once per year, remember that within every single moment YOU have the opportunity to redirect and reset as you need or desire. Yep. YOU. You have to ability to change course or get back on course whenever you like. It’s all you, my friend.

Allow yourself to feel this invigorating charge of the coming year and let it propel you into the new year, but remember to carry this unstoppable energy through to every single minute of 2018. The seasons will change and before we know it 2018 will be well underway. Understand that not only are you able to carry this energy with you constantly, but you are able to create this “new year sensation” for yourself any time. You have everything you need within you to have the most fantastic year and can recreate the energy you have at the cusp of 2018 for yourself every moment. You simply have to recognize this ability within yourself and pledge to recommit to your new year intentions multiple times throughout the year. Heck, sometimes you’ll have to recommit multiple times throughout the day. And trust me, that is A-OK.

I like to write (obviously) and I write down everything and anything I want to bring into my life. I tend to write the most at the end and beginning of the year as I evaluate my past year and define how I want to show up in the coming year. As I wrote out my vision and resolutions for 2018 I wrote this reminder for myself:

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This mantra allows me to forgive myself when I don’t feel like things are working out. This mantra gives me an energy boost when I feel my drive begin to slow. This mantra reminds me to listen to myself and determine my next best move to keep moving forward and continue creating the best life for myself.

If this helps you, feel free to borrow it. Print it out and place it somewhere you’ll see it whenever you may need the reminder. Or use this as a starting point – modify it, make it your own. Write whatever suits you to remind yourself it doesn’t need to be January 1 for you to kick start your life.

Be good to yourself & cheers to the most magical 2018!

You are Worthy of the Stage Time

Earlier this year I had the privilege of auditioning for a show produced by a professional ensemble I’ve admired for years. This ensemble performs at the community college I attended and I watched many of their performances while I was a drama student there. Part of our drama curriculum was to study this ensemble and its performances. As a result, I became familiar with the troupe members and the other incredible credits they had attached to their names. I marveled at the caliber of each production, from both a technical perspective and a performer’s.

Holding them in as high a regard as I do, you can imagine my excitement when I was invited to audition for one of their upcoming productions. And you can probably imagine how that excitement grew when I was offered a role (full disclosure: I squealed like a little kid when they find out they’re going to Disneyland and then proceeded to dance around my living room for a solid 15 minutes).

Despite all my enthusiasm, I began to doubt myself and started to question everything about my casting and my performance ability. Before this production, it had been three years since I performed onstage and worked with other actors, aside from the little work you do with other performers in an audition room. Granted I was still working within the arts over the past three years, but to say I was feeling a bit rusty as a performer is a bit of an understatement.

I was pretty quiet and tense during those first few rehearsals, still getting my bearings and trying desperately not to mess up. In spite of my greatest efforts to conceal any nervousness and self-consciousness I felt, my skittish behavior began to translate into my acting…until the director gave me a note about it during rehearsal. Stopping me mid-scene he said,

“Becca, slow down your exits. You keep rushing your exits like you’re not worthy of the stage time. Take the stage time, it’s yours.”

Although I know it was a simple note from director to actor, those words continued to tumble through my mind throughout the whole production process. I had deemed myself unworthy of the opportunity; I was depriving myself of what I had earned. I was placing way too much pressure on myself and psyching myself out in every way imaginable. As I reflected on this exchange I couldn’t help but wonder how often do we all do this to ourselves? How often do we take ourselves out of the game before giving ourselves a chance to play because of our self-doubts and insecurities? And furthermore, how much more would we accomplish if we didn’t think this way?

One of the many reasons I love acting is that despite impersonating another character and living in a whole other world and story, I make so many discoveries about myself. Kind of ironic, isn’t it? When I realized what I was doing in rehearsal, I began to attack any thoughts of self-doubt the instant they popped into my brain. I used my director’s words to create one of my favorite personal mantras: “You are worthy of the stage time,” which I still use today, on and off stage. With those words in my head, my performing became so much better (at least I feel like it did). I began to open up more onstage and offstage. I began to make stronger choices for my character, connected more with my castmates and simply allowed myself to play, explore and grow in this opportunity instead of mentally hindering myself.

While this show closed months ago, those words continue to float through my mind to this day. If you earned something, TAKE IT. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Embrace it, celebrate it, learn from it. Stop depriving yourself of the spotlight when you’ve earned it! I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Certain circumstances may challenge us more than others, but I have no doubt that every single opportunity happens for a reason. Often when we push past the times we don’t feel entirely confident or prepared or simply ENOUGH we end up surprising ourselves and discover we already have exactly what we need within us to make the task ahead of us a success.

So this is your friendly reminder to banish any thoughts of unworthiness that may be rolling through your mind. Stop feeding the self-doubt. You are ready and more than enough for the next great opportunity coming your way. It’s time to show the world what you’ve got! And take it from me when I say: You are worthy of the stage time.

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A Year in Review

Well, I have now officially exceeded my quarter-century mark. Ideally, I would have published this on my birthday, but life was moving just too fast at the time to make that possible. Hence the year in review post a month after the fact. Better late than never!

What a pivotal age 25 was for me. Filled with innumerable insights, opportunities and breakthroughs, it was truly a year I will never forget. It was a year that challenged me and changed me in the best ways. It was the year I decided to take charge and take total ownership of my life. A brief recap for those who are new to my blog (welcome! Thanks for stopping by!) and a refresh for those who’ve been with me from the beginning (thank you! I appreciate you so very much.): the day before my 25th birthday I left my full-time job at a performing arts center to focus my efforts on making my dream of becoming an actor & model a reality. I left steady employment in pursuit of an essentially unknown future. I had no idea where this change would take me and whether it would yield great success or total failure. But I had to give myself the chance, and that became the driving force behind my decision. I envisioned a different life for myself and I decided to march confidently in the direction of my dreams. (If you’re interested in reading the post that started it all, click here)

Now, one year later, I’m sitting in a completely different place (quite literally actually…more on that later) taking in the past year. All the ups and downs, the unknowns that became knowns and the new experiences which led me to where I am today. I believe reflection is important, so let’s review, shall we?

One year ago, I sent out my headshot and resume to countless agencies hoping and praying that one would represent me. The night before my last day of work, one agent decided to rep me (just in the nick of time!). Now I have three lovely agents vouching for me across a variety of areas within the entertainment industry. They work incredibly hard and I’m so grateful for all their efforts.

One year ago, I’d never been booked for a photoshoot and my modeling experience was extremely limited (read: I’d never modeled before. Ever. Never even took a class.). Now my photo has been spotted (#SpotTheRedhead) on products in Target and Buy Buy Baby and I have had the privilege of working with a number of outstanding clients. I’m grateful that I have the ability to say that photoshoots are a regular occurrence for me and my comfort posing in front of the camera has grown exponentially over the past year.

One year ago, I never knew that tradeshow modeling existed, let alone had its own place in the entertainment industry (there are models who do this full time. Interesting, huh?). Now I’m well versed in tradeshows, am affiliated with an agency that represents me solely for tradeshows, and have been fortunate enough to work at five tradeshows over the past year.

One year ago, the farthest I’d traveled for a gig or audition was only to a neighboring town. Now I have the experience of modeling at a tradeshow in Los Angeles. The first time I’d traveled out of state for a gig, which was one of my goals for 2017!

One year ago, I was wondering if I’d ever get back on stage. At the time it had been nearly three years since my last, live theatrical performance. My job placed me behind the scenes as stage manager for their youth theatre productions and although I was still involved in theatre, my performance skills became rusty. I was missing performing more than I can possibly convey. Thankfully earlier this year a director took a chance on me and cast me in a hilarious and incredibly fun show with one of the best casts around. The experience is one I will treasure forever.

One year ago, I was living in my parents’ house. My parents’ graciousness made this career change possible. Of course I wanted my own space, and my parents wanted their own space, but allowing me to stay there rent free offered me a chance to save my precious pennies and provided me with the opportunity to leap when I was ready and when the perfect apartment became available. Now I’m writing this post in my very own, charming vintage studio apartment. Funny story about this, at the beginning of the year, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to move into an apartment of my own by June. I began searching in January and by April I was tired of constantly refreshing Zillow, Craigslist and two Facebook housing groups to no avail. It simply seemed that what I wanted wasn’t available and wouldn’t be available for quite some time. So I stopped searching and mentally adjusted my goal to say I would move in September. However, in a flurry of events, the perfect apartment found me just before June 1, following the resolution I wrote at the beginning of the year. Isn’t the power in writing things down fascinating?

Perhaps most important to note, over the past year I’ve had the pleasure of connecting with so many wonderful, kind and generous people who support me and inspire me in countless ways. I’ve built new bridges and strengthened existing bridges and continue to be filled with immense gratitude for those around me. Truthfully this past year would not have been possible without the encouragement from my family and friends. I’m surely the luckiest gal around to be surrounded by so many spectacular souls and I marvel at how the people I know and have met shaped my life this past year.

This is not intended to be a post where I flaunt my achievements of the past year. This self-reflection is intended to demonstrate the difference one year makes. It’s a small difference, and it’s nowhere near my end goal, but I am farther than I was before. A year ago I stared a daunting, seemingly impossible task in the face and somehow mustered up the energy to attempt to conquer it, one day at a time. Every single day built upon the last, propelling me forward. Even on the days where I felt stuck and hopeless I urged myself to look back at what I have achieved and reminded myself of one of my favorite quotes,

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I will continue to reach farther, to build upon what I started a year ago, what I’ve been building upon my whole life. I’m still giving myself this chance, still chasing the dream, but I’m celebrating the fact that I’m gaining ground. Slowly but surely, I’m gaining ground, which may be one of the most powerful motivators around.

Even though I’m technically beyond a quarter century now, I still want this blog to be a part of my journey. This outlet holds its own special role in my quest and I admit there were plenty of times where this blog helped me maintain my sanity. Therefore, allow me to introduce you to “Quarter Century & Beyond,” a revised title to this blog so I may continue to chronicle this marvelous adventure as I add to the foundation I spent the past year establishing.

As I set out on another year of reaching farther and aiming higher, allow me to remind you, dear reader, that if you’re not quite where you want to be, trust me, you’re farther than you think. You’re farther than you were a year ago, a month ago, a week ago, even one hour ago. You have no idea how close you may be to your next breakthrough, your next great milestone. The important part is just to keep going. You did not come this far to only come this far. Stay true the course and trust the process while holding your vision front and center. Keep reaching beyond and you’ll make it.

Five Days in the City of Angels

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Well now I can officially mark off an item that’s on every actor’s bucket list – venture to Los Angeles.

At the end of February, I was having coffee with one of my mentors and we were discussing future plans for my career. He mentioned he felt I would need to relocate this year, which seemed obvious to me as I’ve been scouting apartments closer to downtown Chicago. But he said, “No…I think you’ll have to move out of state. To Los Angeles.” I quickly refuted that idea, explaining that I’ve never had any interest in LA. I have heard from many other professionals in the entertainment industry to avoid going to LA as it is a place where “your dreams will die.” Heeding that advice and also understanding the extreme pollution plaguing the city, the traffic, and the ever-rising economic disparity in the city (read: the homelessness situation) I swore to myself I wouldn’t go to LA unless it was absolutely necessary.

One day after this conversation, a modeling agency I work with for trade shows emailed me saying they showed my portfolio to a client out in LA and out of all the talent they showed him, I was the only one he liked. The agency explained that he’s interested in booking me as a model for a fitness show and wants to know if I can be out there in two weeks.

Well. Of all the times for this to come up…OK, Universe. Message received.

So with a nod to the Universe, and after reading the email thread to my parents (the best advisers out there), I responded that yes, I would work the show and quickly began to make travel arrangements.

Since the show, IHRSA, was only two days, I decided to head out a few days earlier to explore the city, and soak up as much as I could. The agency that booked me said they would provide me with $100 to offset travel expenses. Being mindful of my budget, I quickly searched for the cheapest flights roundtrip, nonstop from Chicago to LA with Spirit Airlines. With checking a bag for both legs of the trip, my total airfare cost was a whopping $205 – actually only $105 out of pocket when you deduct my agency’s contribution. Travel tip: if you’re in a pinch for a cheap flight within the US, I would recommend Spirit. It’s not a glamorous ride, but it gets the job done if you’re on a budget and you’re not picky about legroom. The seats were very squished together and since space was limited you couldn’t board with a personal item and also a carry on, limit was one item per person unless you paid an additional fee. Also considering the tight quarters I wouldn’t recommend flying Spirit for trips longer than 4 hours. But for my purposes it was perfect!

Lodging was quickly taken care of because as it turns out I know a considerable amount of people out there and they were gracious enough to let me stay with them and show me around the city. Every travel detail aligned beautifully and before I knew it I was on my way to Los Angeles!

As a Chicagoland native accustomed to cold, gray winters that seem to stretch on forever, I first noticed the weather. Oh, it was glorious! Over eighty degrees in early March! I wore shorts! It was warm enough to stroll along the beach and I even got a little sunburned! I don’t think I’ve ever been so thrilled to get a sunburn! The sunshine and warmth alone were inspiring and invigorating and instantly upped my energy level. This climate change also helped me realize the importance and the affect one’s environment has on their mentality and overall productivity. Some people function best when it’s chilly and gray out, others need the warmth to feel functional. I am not a winter person, and often notice a decrease in my overall happiness and productivity during the winter. I expend more effort just trying to stay warm and assure myself that summer will return, so this was just the pick me up I needed.

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From my stroll on Redondo Beach

The strong creative vibe of Los Angeles also contributed to this energy boost. As a major hub for artists, Los Angeles pulses with this incredible creative energy that is totally intoxicating. You can feel it and see it everywhere – especially in cafes. I frequent coffee shops and stepping into a café in LA was a radically different experience than the cafes I’m accustomed to. Each coffee joint I went to was filled to the brim with creatives, the next wave of great entertainers and artists, writing scripts, creating animation, rehearsing scenes, designing clothing, sharing their latest photography projects, anything and everything artistic collaborated in these cafes. It was amazing. My favorite coffee joint was actually outside downtown LA in Sherman Oaks, which my lovely friend June introduced me to called M Street Coffee. Wow, what an awesome, unparalleled vibe! If you’re in the area I strongly recommend you check it out!

The creative energy wafting through the LA air is unfortunately accompanied by thick pollution and smog creating a definite drawback to the area. The difference in air quality is immediately noticeable and suffocating. Most of my contacts in Los Angeles moved out there from the Chicagoland area and they all noticed a drastic difference in their health as a result of the pollution. One friend now needs to use an inhaler at least twice a day. Another now says she gets sick more often than she did living in the suburbs of Chicago. And another became so afflicted with pounding migraines her doctor recommended she leave the city on the weekends in search of fresh air and she now receives acupuncture treatment a couple times a month to cope.  My stay there lasted less than a week, but by the end of the week my voice faded to a hoarse whisper, which those I know living in the area attributed to the pollution. It is entirely possible this could have resulted from travel, adjusting to a new climate and an overall lack of sleep. However, hearing about the ailments from my friends and knowing my immune system is pretty strong, I feel convinced this was a result of the smog in LA. Especially since when I returned to Illinois, my voice returned within 24 hours.

Another shock to the system, pollution of a different type one could say, was the blatant promotion and discussion of Botox, plastic surgery and other vanity related procedures. Everywhere I went I saw signs – for eyelashes, butt implants, lip injections, you name it, I saw it. It was totally mystifying. I overheard a woman in the restroom, ironically at the fitness show I was modeling at, talking to her physician saying her face felt funny after her most recent Botox injection, and all I could think to myself was, “Maybe that’s because you just pumped your face full of unnatural and unnecessary chemicals? What normal person does that?” But in many cases that IS the norm for Los Angeles. And it’s not just women! Men partake in these same procedures and value it the same way women do. It was heartbreaking to witness and only made me love and appreciate my body more as it is now, because it is real; completely and 100 percent mine and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Traffic on a Friday night on Hollywood Blvd. Took about an hour to go 10 miles. At least the sunset was pretty!

It goes without saying that Los Angeles offers a lot to the artistic community. There are big opportunities there to jump start one’s career that may not be available elsewhere, especially if you’re an actor wanting to partake in pilot season. Acting studios and classes exist in abundance to serve the growing population of aspiring actors. Being in a city totally inundated with actors is both intimidating and motivating and I feel would require one to have an exceptionally thick skin, a humble and gracious personality, a great support system and unwavering self-confidence in one’s abilities. Anything short of that and one would quickly flounder.

Since I’ve returned I’ve been met with the question from numerous friends, “So, when are you moving there?” After considering all I learned during my short time there, the answer is no. Despite the delightful weather and incredible creative vibe, I cannot see myself living there, at least not yet. I’m still incredibly happy where I am, challenged and inspired by the entertainment industry opportunities here, and with more productions moving to Chicago it would be silly to leave now. What I do see myself doing first is splitting time between the two locations and building a network and reputation between both locations. While I was in Los Angeles, I had the privilege of observing an acting class and learned that the instructor was a Chicago native! We chatted about the industry as a whole, but we kept coming back to the opportunities in Chicago, which reaffirmed for me that this is where I need to be – at least for now.

Although it was a brief trip, my time in Los Angeles was unforgettable and highly insightful. It was a trip I obviously needed to take, and I’m so grateful for the opportunity. I look forward to my next venture out West – and this time I’ll be prepared for the pollution and influx of Botox ads 🙂

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Modeling for ProSourceFit at IHRSA 2017

Liked these photos? See more on Becca’s Instagram: @BeccaMecca3

Pursuing the Dream: What They Don’t Tell You [Part 1]

As I alluded in my first post, this transition hasn’t been solely an array of sunshine and butterflies. For all the ups there are inevitable downs, and my story is no different. Every moment of exhilarating empowerment comes with it a moment of doubt, fear, or frustration. There weren’t many concrete details when I embarked on this journey except that I was doing it, it would be an adventure and that it was going to be a steep learning curve. With that latter part in mind I have a feeling there will be more posts similar to the theme of this one, hence the presumptive addition of “Part 1” to my title. However, nearly two months into my quarter-century mark, here’s what I’ve gathered thus far about what they don’t tell you when you decide to take full ownership of your life…

You are ultimately alone. After the high of taking the leap diminishes and the congratulations and well wishes quiet, you are ultimately alone; left with yourself and your dream. Although I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful support system and am definitely not lonesome, I acknowledge this venture is entirely self-driven. Despite having connections or representation I cannot rely solely on others to make my dream a reality. My dream is not their dream and vice versa, thus our ultimate motivations differ. Outside connections are valuable resources, but it’s up to myself, the boss, to decide how to cultivate those resources. As I assert myself as my own boss I am completely responsible for steering myself toward success. That offers a lot of freedom, but also a lot of ambiguity and stress as I craft my day-to-day goals to achieve my overarching goal. I’m learning to become protective of my time. I have to identify and set my priorities. I have to achieve balance within my days, between work time and free time. I drafted my very own work schedule, with non-negotiable work times to ensure I am constantly building my career, and I mentioned this schedule to my friends and family to enforce boundaries during my workdays. I leave gaps within my schedule to allow free time or break time to prevent me from obsessing over my career and guarantee I give myself the necessary time to relax. Pursuing a passion is addicting and exhilarating but can potentially burn you out if you let it consume you. I am simultaneously responsible for pushing myself while also recognizing when I need time to recharge. Establishing and following my own schedule requires an extraordinary amount of self-discipline and it is difficult and exhausting to personally set a professional rhythm.

You are forced to be extremely honest with yourself and your habits. Where are you devoting your time? What are your professional struggles? Where do you excel? Who and what make up your surroundings? How do you react to the ups and downs? How do you talk to yourself? Are you making excuses for yourself? Self-awareness is essential for me in my career, but also for anyone’s venture through life. You must know how you operate. This self-acknowledgment instills a great, indisputable strength that helps you advocate for yourself, both professionally and personally. It provides insight to how you measure your success. Once you know yourself, you can trust yourself.

I discover more about myself as I am tested daily to stay encouraged in a field with thousands of hopefuls just like me. I’m assessing my life and my surroundings with an honest perspective, noticing what’s working and what’s not. I’m taking note of any negative perspectives I possess and try to make them positive. I’m refining what influences me, disconnecting from people, places and tendencies that don’t leave a positive mark on my life. Making those honest realizations becomes quite challenging, especially when longevity becomes a factor. However, understanding that I have the power to decide what influences my life and how is amazing.

Be prepared to network anywhere. I now understand the necessity of self-promotion and recognize promoting myself as a business is a full-time job. And when I say networking can happen anywhere, I mean ANYWHERE. In your front yard, at the grocery store, in a public restroom, in the club, at the train station, just about anywhere you encounter people lies an opportunity to connect. And yes, I’ve made connections in all those aforementioned areas plus more. Be ready and be prepared to network at any time. I heard this advice once before but remember thinking “Surely they don’t mean ALL the time.” They do. Potential connections are everywhere. For instance, by simply updating people at church about my life, I learned a member of the congregation babysat Cindy Crawford and still remains a family friend. At a recent wedding I attended I told a guest I was pursuing acting/modeling and he told me about his work as a crew member for “Empire.” You never know when you’ll make a connection with someone who might be able to offer advice or a lead for you. Now I bring my business cards with me everywhere!

Your phone will drive you crazy. When I began this career change, I had no idea my phone would affect me as drastically as it does. This small, rectangular electronic device determines so much of my day and I despise my newly formed addiction to it. Full disclosure: in the writing of this post alone I have tapped my phone and refreshed my email after every 3-4 minutes. Disgusting, I know. There are days where it doesn’t stop buzzing and there are days where it remains fully charged at 100% because nothing comes through for me. I could spend hours emailing and submitting for auditions or photo shoots and not hear a peep from my phone in return. I keep it close to me at all times in anticipation of a phone call or email for a project but there are also times where I try to trick the universe and separate myself from my phone in the hopes that a project will come through while I’m nowhere near my phone. After all, a watched phone never rings, right?

The ever looming financial fear factor. Despite my low, monthly expenses I can count more money-centered freak-outs in the last month than in the last year. Any artist will tell you the difficulty of making ends meet so I anticipated this to an extent. I’m constantly rotating between being an employed and unemployed actor/model; employed when I’m booked for a project until completing said project and finding myself technically unemployed. When I was out on my first few projects or auditions, instead of enjoying the opportunity to do what I love, I found myself mentally crunching numbers of how long one job could tide me over. That’s not what I want my career to be about and not only does it make me grouchy, but it also inhibits my ability to perform. A wise mentor of mine urges me to stop focusing on the money, “Follow your passion and the money will follow.” Definitely easier said than done, but he highlights the power of mentality. If you don’t make money a concern, it won’t be. Invest in what ignites you and the money will figure itself out, somehow it always does. Our society aligns success with a dollar sign. I’m learning success is relative. It’s personal and while you need enough cash to get by, I realize I don’t need a six-figure paycheck to measure my success. I’m tired of finances ruling my life. Going forward, I’m restructuring my mentality to focus on the art within each project and how each project provides me with a sense of fulfillment and purpose, the best payment I could ask for.

Taxes are more confusing than before. This I did not expect nor think about until I booked my first gig. With normal jobs, portions of your checks are automatically withdrawn and once a year you get all your materials in the mail and file accordingly. I currently have money coming in from multiple sources, from gigs booked by my agent, from gigs I book myself, from an encyclopedia I’m writing for, and proofreading work. All those paychecks come directly to me without taxes withheld. (Please, no one report me. I’m figuring it out, I promise.) Furthermore, I am tracking all work-related expenses, such as mileage to and from auditions or any wardrobe purchases I need to make. I was always told of the difficulty of making money within the arts, but never instructed about what to do with it when it actually started appearing, as far as taxes are concerned. Do I file quarterly now? Or can I still file annually? Can I do that with TurboTax or do I need an accountant? I have yet to find a good guide for this portion of my career and it’s proving to be one of the more frustrating parts of this transition. (If there’s an accountant out there reading this, can you lend me some advice? Please and thank you.)

Self-doubt is persistent and powerful. No matter how confident, driven or self-aware I become self-doubt never leaves completely. It searches relentlessly for any crack in my foundation and seeps in the instant I entertain it. It’s less prevalent than before, I’m proud to say, but I know it will always exist in varying degrees. As an actor/model I’m no stranger to rejection and criticism; that’s part of the industry. You’re told that day one. From these past two months alone, my skin is thicker thanks to a whole new slew of criticisms. Most recently, I met with a director about modeling for a jewelry catalog’s upcoming collection. She was eager to add in a red-haired model and thought my look would be a great fit. When I met with her in person she kept looking at my arms and eventually expressed her concern about my freckles, afraid they would be too distracting for the shoot or create too much work for the editor to eliminate. Needless to say I didn’t get the gig. I left her office shocked. I love my freckles and always considered them an asset and never thought they would hinder my career. I ruminated over that director’s comment much longer than I should have thinking, “Are there other traits of mine that I love that will hold me back?” With that thought, I created a small fissure in my confident foundation. (Remember what I said earlier about knowing yourself and your habits? Allowing scenarios like this to replay in my mind tends to be one of mine.) I foolishly allowed one woman’s opinion take root in my mind and affect how I viewed myself.

There are times I feel terrified by the path I’ve chosen; afraid I won’t succeed, afraid I won’t be enough, doubtful of my own abilities. To combat this tendency of self-doubt is a lifelong mission and requires a strong, positive mentality. I tackle it by envisioning myself in two different settings. First I imagine what my life would be like pursuing an alternative career path, as a teacher, writer, director, anything. I can create the picture but it’s fuzzy and doesn’t feel quite right. I then envision myself acting or modeling, creating an image that comes effortlessly and vividly, electrifying me. That distinction and recognition assures me that despite every fear or criticism that causes me to doubt myself, pursuing this path is the right choice for me. Regardless of any hiccups or frustrations in my plan thus far, I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. I have the privilege of chasing my dreams and I know any struggles and learning curves I face only place me one step closer to success.

With all that in mind, it’s onwards & upwards! Stay tuned for Part 2!

Taking Charge

One day after my 25th birthday, I found myself lingering at the kitchen table sipping a cup of black coffee and taking stock of my life. At a quarter of a century, I am essentially unemployed and still living in my parents’ house in a bedroom that hasn’t changed much since I was 14. Ironically, I could not be more excited by my current position.

Now I understand it’s not an ideal or glamorous scenario. Trust me I am craving my own place, but by the tremendous generosity of my parents I am living at home rent-free while I map the landscape of my new career. Let’s rewind and fill in the gaps on how I found myself here.

A year and a half ago I gained employment working at a company within my field, which as a drama major renders quite the sense of accomplishment. I got along with my coworkers and was generally happy with my position. After six months I accepted a promotion for a full-time position with the company, ecstatic that I was working full time within the arts. However, despite my greatest balancing acts and attempts to devote time to developing my own career aspirations as an actor/model, I lost focus of my dream.

I found myself settling. At the young age of 25, I allowed myself to get comfortable and knew if I continued coasting along, making countless excuses for myself and my ambitions, I might never see my dreams come to fruition; a truly devastating thought. I felt like a fraud, teaching and encouraging my acting students to chase their dreams while I did the opposite. I inadvertently allowed every voice throughout my life that told me I would never become an actor ring victorious because of my own complacency and fear. The time I spent daydreaming as a child of the stories I would tell the world through my acting would prove to be in vain. I felt an overwhelming need to reclaim my life and reset my course in life to ensure I give my best effort to making my dreams a reality. I refuse to find myself in the crippling position of regret many feel later in life as they realized they neglected their dreams.

Thus, I resigned from my full-time position without having anything concrete lined up to support me.

Just to clarify, this career change decision did not happen overnight. My passion for performing first developed when I was 4 years old and I’ve been chasing that dream ever since. The idea to leave my job and finally focus entirely on performing sparked a couple of months prior to the actual execution, and from that moment I began strengthening the foundation for launching my dream career. Luckily I have many financial factors working in my favor which helped with the decision process: I live at home, I don’t have any student loans to pay off, I’m not married and I don’t have any children. My parents taught me to practice frugality and stick to a budget to help manage my small, monthly expenses such as car maintenance and a cell phone bill. From those insights, it was full steam ahead as I made as many preparations as one can possibly make when breaking into the entertainment business: I invested in new headshots. I recorded a new voice-over demo. I started taking networking seriously. I revised my resume. I consulted my mentors. I researched agencies, casting calls, production companies, auditions and the best cities to live in for film and theatre. I made a demo reel. I applied to freelance proofreading and copywriting jobs to help keep me solvent. I made spreadsheets of theatres and their upcoming audition dates and wrote dozens of cover letters for agencies. Miraculously, one day before my last day of steady income, an agency responded and told me they would represent me.

What a whirlwind! Of course, acquiring representation doesn’t offer a tremendous amount of job security, but it offers a starting point. I was bursting at the seams with excitement, basking in the first ray of success by having the courage to give myself a real shot at my dream. Naturally I experienced a myriad of other emotions as well, not all of them positive which I will elaborate on in a separate post, but for the purposes of this first post, let me focus on the initial and the strongest emotions felt when taking charge of your life. I felt total empowerment and a rush of adrenaline as I let my heart take control and act as my guiding force. I allowed my imagination to run rampant, feeling for once the hopes and dreams in my mind were not as unattainable as I previously thought. I grew determined and confident, ready to take the world by storm, hungry to create and share my art with other creative individuals embarking on the same mission. I felt ready.

I’m taking a risk. Correction, a huge risk. For an organized, meticulous planner like myself this is a BIG deal. Although big risks often yield big rewards, the chance for big losses becomes just as probable. Too often we ignore encouragement by teachers, leaders, mentors and society to take a leap and discover what one is truly capable of accomplishing. Instead we opt to play it safe. Follow the safe path, wait for the right time, gather more savings and simply make excuses for ourselves while we “wait” for the right opportunity. But I am tired of playing it safe. Despite any fears and doubts I may have, I am ready to take the risk.

I contemplated the big crossroad in front of me for a considerable amount of time before, like Robert Frost, ultimately choosing the road less traveled to give myself this chance. I am making the choice to advocate for myself and ask the world for what I want. I may get it and I may not. No matter the outcome, I have already succeeded because I chose to try. I owe myself this chance, as I believe everyone does. I will never find a perfect time to pursue my aspirations, and that realization propels me to try now.

Despite any moment of doubt or criticism, of congratulations or applause, whether from others or myself, I believe we can all agree that my choice will lead to a great adventure. And at the end of the day isn’t that what everyone wants?

So, here’s to a quarter century & here’s to adventure!